via fotodecadentLately, I've fallen into a slump.
Well actually, that's a lie. I've been in a slump for the past few months; I've lost inspiration.
At first, I thought "This is all because my closet sucks so I can't construct my outfits the way I want to."
Which, of course led to hunter-gatherer instincts. But I wasn't--and still am not--satisfied.
So then I reluctantly realized that my wardrobe isn't the problem; it's me. What else is new?
To put it lightly, I just don't like myself all that much.
To be more frank, I think I'm depressed.
Why? I have a good life. I have a loving, though not always demonstrative family. I'm not poor. I'm going to a great college. I'm being paid a fair amount this summer to do something I would do for free. I'm going to San Francisco at the end of the month. So what's wrong?
Well, I don't know how or why or when my ship started sinking but fact of the matter is, it is. We could get all technical with this and discuss the imbalance of hormones in my body, etc. etc. but it's not like realizing this suddenly sends a message to my glands to produce a lifetime supply of endorphins.
Though not a major cause of my unhappiness, I feel like blogging has sometimes had a negative influence on me. I love admiring others' creativity, but then I find myself wanting what they have. Leading to a blow to the ego and to my wallet. "Why can't I look like that?" "I wish I had a dress like that." etc. But it isn't all about the clothes, really.
I just wish I could look as effortlessly, gorgeously, chic as some girls do in a simple, loose, white tee and denim cut offs. I don't think I'm beautiful. I get frustrated when I don't like what I'm wearing because I feel like if my clothes don't look good, I don't look good. In fact, I feel that when
I put on a white tee and denim cut offs I look boring and unimaginative. It's on these days that I post editorials or nothing at all.
I
know I'm not the only one who feels like this at times.
In another life, I would have Alexa Chung's long lean legs. I would have Gemma Ward's beautiful eyes. Mary Kate Olsen's hair. But obviously, I'm not close to having any of these things in
this life.
The left side of my face is ever so slightly higher than the right. I have genetic bunions on my feet that get irritated when I'm in heels. I hate the little bit of fat right at the top of my thighs that running track couldn't rid of.
But what else to do but accept the cards I've been dealt, right? For the most part, I do like my body. No, I do not have Tallulah Morton's come hither eyes. But I know I'm athletically toned and skinny. I have "washboard abs" according to friends. My face isn't covered in acne and my hair is healthy and thick.
Why so serious? I'm attractive. Just not in that "I wish I were as pretty as her" or "Oh baby, I need you in my life" kind of way. (Haha)
Going back to the hormone imbalance thing, I know that my issues with myself go much deeper than how I feel about my appearance. Really, at this point, I just want to be happy again for a long period of time without picking fights and crying and hating myself.
I think I digressed a little...
All I really want to express here is this: Please try to love yourself. I know it's hard. I'm struggling, too. But I know there are more important things to stress over than how you look. Like that quick temper you have. Or taking things too seriously and shaving off a few years of your life with that high blood pressure. There are pros and cons to inheriting that stubborn nature from your mother. Just try be happy. And let people who love you help you.
It's easier said than done, but it needs to be done.
